I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
