so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
