Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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