one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How does one acquire holy water?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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