i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
