Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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