totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
