Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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