i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wear drunk well.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
