I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Randomize
