By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I need a beard to bite.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
