I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
