did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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