My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
