Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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