remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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