last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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