im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
