yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
