I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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