He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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