we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
