woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
