i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
