i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
