i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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