he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
