i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
