were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
