Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
