dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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