My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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