Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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