i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
