proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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