Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
