If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
