Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
