is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My life is pants optional.
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