ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I looked at my own cervix.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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