I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
