I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
