I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
