Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
