Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
