Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
