I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
