Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
