3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My vagina just recognized that song.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
