you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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